The scarcity trap is when you believe that there is a limited supply of possible partners. You act on that belief by thinking you have to take what you can get or be alone. In other words, you SETTLE for less. And let’s face it–expect less and you get less.
What Was It Like For Diane
I live in Fairfield, Iowa-a small town of 10,000 in the heartland of America. When I did start to date many years after my divorce, I realized that I was not finding a match. I started to worry and think that maybe I should not be so fussy. The next man I dated was “cute and nice” but his vision for the future was so different from mine it was ridiculous. Don’t be so fussy I told myself. I decided to make the best of what this man did offer and spent 6-8 months of my time with him, knowing I would eventually not be fulfilled in this relationship. It wasn’t his fault–it was mine–I settled. Eventually I was “in the way” of the direction his life was moving and he broke up with me. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch!
How Diane Got Out Of The Scarcity Trap
I was mortified and mad at myself for settling. I took a long hard look at why I let this happen. I read books, worked with a coach and attended workshops. This allowed me to become real clear about my purpose, my vision and what I valued in my ideal relationship. I made up my mind and found a support system to ensure that I held to my commitment not to settle, even in this small Midwest town. It worked-I met the love of my life-Lewis.
To stay out of the Scarcity Trap say NO to what you don’t want so you are ready and available for the YES. There is a person for you and you are worthy!
Four weeks from today, I will be leaving the peace and quiet of Fairfield, IA (population 10,000), to give six workshops in six days. I am looking to connect with three groups of people: men, women and couples (did I leave anyone out?).
One of the workshops is geared exclusively for men, The Power of Presence and Choice. Let’s face it men, we are the weaker sex and I want to help us check up to the women on this planet.
Syracuse, NY on Tuesday, October 9, 7:30pm, CNY Healing Arts Wellness Center and Spa. 191 Intrepid Lane, Syracuse, NY 13205
Albany, NY on Wednesday, October 10, 7:30pm, Albany area location TBA
Bozrah, Connecticut on Saturday, October 13, 1pm, The Centerspace Wellness Studio 46 Lebanon Road, Bozrah, CT 06334
Syracuse, NY on Monday, October 8, 7:30pm, CNY Healing Arts Wellness Center and Spa. 191 Intrepid Lane, Syracuse, NY 13205
Albany, NY on Thursday, October 11, 7:30pm, Unity Church. 21 King Avenue, Albany, NY 12206
Finally, my week on the road culminates with a workshop for committed couples, Rituals for Intimacy. Even couples who are Madly In Love Forever will discover a few tricks for nurturing their precious connection.
Bozrah, Connecticut on Saturday, October 13, 8pm, The Centerspace Wellness Studio 46 Lebanon Road, Bozrah, CT 06334
I am looking forward to making new friends and re-uniting with old friends. Although I will only be visiting three cities on this trip, I do plan to visit all fifty states of this great country by the end of 2013.
If you are live near these cities and want to invite me to speak at your group, please call me at 800-639-4505.
Do you want to know about other events near you? Then join this blog list, if you are not already on it.
Excited to tell you that our response to a question asked by a 58 year old women was published in the monthly Relationship Coaching Institute newsletter. As you scroll down to find our response certainly read the response of other RCI coaches.
Ask Our Coaches:
A Tale of Two Men: How do I choose?
“I’ve met two men that I really like …. How do I choose ?”
This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we’ll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
I’ve met two men that I really like and both meet my requirements. I don’t fight with either of them, however I like different things about each one. I wish I could just combine them into one man! I’m 58 years old so I can’t be too picky either. One is 8 years younger than me and the other is 8 years older. How do I choose? Which traits are more important for a happy marriage? What’s your advice?
Jackie responds …
Conscious Dating is not limited to those under a certain age. The principles of Conscious Dating apply to everyone who is committed to asking and answering 3 questions: Who are you? What do you want? How can you get what you really want in life and love?
I invite you to seriously challenge your (faulty) belief that at 58 you are too old to be picky. After all, whatever you believe is true, is! It sounds like either one of these men would be a fine companion. But does either one touch your heart in that v-e-r-y deep place? Or curl your hair or knock your socks off? What if it is possible that neither one of these fine men is your ideal match!
If for a moment you decide to be “picky,” would you choose one of them to be your partner for life for the rest of your life, or would you decide to keep dating until you met the man who really did match all of your requirements? Please consider hiring a professional relationship coach to help you create your Conscious Dating Plan so you can choose the right man once and for all!
You are in a strong position to choose consciously for your love life, dating two men, both of whom meet your requirements. However, you wish you could combine them into one man, indicating something’s lacking somewhere.
You think you aren’t entitled to have what you want and “can’t be too picky at 58.” Write down all your relationship and partner requirements — your list of absolute must haves for the relationship to work.
Ask yourself “If I spent the rest of my life with this person, is there anything I would want to change about him?” Picture yourself with him in five, ten, twenty years. Pay close attention to your intuition and the feelings that surface for you. You may discover some truths that you’re currently unable to see. Write down your insights and compare them for each person.
The person you choose to spend your life with must be a good match for you, so don’t settle for less. Be clear about what you want for your relationship, choose someone who shares the same values as you and take your time to get to know people. There is no rush when it comes to choosing a life partner.
You have 2 great guys to choose from and think you can’t be picky? If they aren’t asking you to make a commitment, there is no reason for you not to take more time and simply enjoy both of them while you decide. That combination guy might just show up!
If you’re ready to commit, both fit all your requirements and you like them equally, try this:
Spend one whole day imagining or pretending that you made the decision to commit to one of them. Spend the entire day assuming that you whole heartedly chose one of them and notice how you think and feel having made that decision. On a different day, imagine that you whole heartedly chose the other one. Again, notice how you think and feel having made the decision with no wavering. Repeat this process until you’re clear.
Consider what kind of “we” you will be forming with each of them. Who will most readily fit with your life vision? This will be the most important thing you’ll need to keep your relationship healthy and alive going forward.
Congratulations Sherrie on meeting two potential soulmates. If you feel that both men meet your requirements then there may be a good possibility that your requirements are too vague. Take your requirements and define out each detail until they are broken down to the smallest element.
Remember dating is a staging. Dating may be chemically and biologically enhanced. Everyone is in character and on their best behavior. Although both candidates appear to meet your requirements, on a day-to-day basis when you share living quarters, finances, domestic responsibilities, and extended families that may change the dynamics of your relationship altogether. So put these men through the litmus test.
Follow their actions and not their words. Words are merely intentions of what or who a person wants to be or intends to be. Actions define their character. Which man aligns more with your values, principles, priorities, morals, and ethics?
Also, a good relationship barometer is how responsive is each man to each one of your physical, emotional, and relational needs when it’s not convenient for him? How responsive is each one when there is absolutely no benefit for him? And, lastly which one shares a vision with you for the future?
Being 58 years old doesn’t relieve you of your responsibility to choose the best mate possible; we would not call it “picky”. This person could be your loved one for the next 30 years!
We suggest that you re-visit your requirements, including life vision, life purpose, values and needs. Make sure you aren’t overlooking something. How long have you tested the requirements with each man? Have you consulted the dating red flag checklist for insights into each of these men?
The only difference between the two men that you mentioned was age. Age and sexual energy can be a significant factor. How is your sexual energy and how does that match the energy of the two men, bearing in mind that the older may wane faster. There is a 16 year difference to consider here.
The older man may have health issues sooner or could pass on sooner than the younger man. Does that matter to you?
What else is in their environment that they would each bring to the relationship? Do either of them have children or parents that might consume their energy, time or money? Are they both still working or is one retired and the other working?
I know this is a relationship blog! And with that said here goes. One of our associates is a “raw foodist.” I do wonder how people can live on only raw food but that’s another story. One day he told us that he does “cheat” now and again. He gives in to cooked Indian food now and again. I can’t blame him!
Last night I could not, for the life of me, practice what I suggest to my coaching clients: see everything as an opportunity. What do I mean? I sat with Lewis and just spewed out a big list of things that “I am not happy about, or are not fair, or are hard to do.” I was on a roll!!
Suddenly I thought of Bill and his occassional cooked meal. That’s what I did last night-I had a cooked meal. My cooked meal was “a complaining smorgesboard”
Today I’m back on raw food. In other words back on track: seeing everything as an opportunity. Life is good, it is what it is, I am grateful and moving forward. Matter of fact in about a half hour I’m off for a swim!
Bill tells me it feels good to eat cooked food now and again. In the same way it feels so good to flow with the “off days” and then get back on the living and loving life train to the best of my ability.
In Committed, author Elizabeth Gilbert expresses the following thought. “Marriage becomes hard work once you have poured the entirety of your life’s expectations for happiness into the hands of one more person. Keeping that going is hard work.”
In our book Madly In Love Forever: A Guide to True and Lasting Love, the title of our eleventh chapter is “Letting Go Of Expectations.” Here’s a glimpse of what we have to say about expectations.
Expectations can be the end of serenity. If you go into a situation expecting something specific, most likely one of two things will happen. If things work out as expected, you’ll end up happy; if not, you’ll be angry or disappointed. Considering how often the second option happens, it’s safe to say that having expectations sets you up for a lot of suffering.
Now, having fewer expectations doesn’t mean not being optimistic about life or that you should stop goal setting; it just means you have the intention to be happy, or to be at peace, with “what is.” Being more accepting of the reality that exists and the events that occur in your life actually helps you to look on the bright side. And it’s an incredible way to be in relationship. Being at peace with “what is” opens the door for more love.
A staggering 19 million Americans are diagnosed with depression every year. When one person in the relationship is depressed, the odds of divorce occuring are 10 times higher.
We are excited to share what we believe to be a valuable tip. At the Smart Marriage Conference in July 2010, we attended a session called “Marriage and Depression: Coping With Depression As A Couple.” The session leaders, Dennis Lowe, Ph.D and Emily Scott-Lowe, Ph.D told us that they called the depression in their marriage the unwelcome intruder. Why? By viewing the depression as an unwelcome intruder, a couple has an easier time uniting to meet this external challenge. They are not angry at each other, they are angry at the unwelcome intruder in the relationship.
Let’s say the couple dealing with depression can’t go out and socialize anymore. One may angrily say, “Everything is so different; because of you, we don’t see friends anymore!” If instead, you view the depression as an unwelcomed intruder, you may hear, “I am so angry at what depression is doing to our social life.”
The Lowes asked us to share this tip-it works-and can make a shift in a couple instantly. So please pass it along to anyone coping with depression in his or her marriage or relationship.
Us! Knowing who we are and what we want in a relationship is the first step on the path to intimacy. And learning to love and accept ourselves is an essential part of that. Only when we’ve made a loving connection with ourselves can we extend our love and acceptance to the people we are in relationship with.
Throughout the ages, in all parts of the world, people of all religions and walks of life have gone within to find peace of mind and solace in the face of life’s troubles and challenges. In the wild ups and downs of life, meditation and prayer is our anchor.
What is your anchor? Do you use it? Do you need to find an anchor?
Have you ever noticed that when you are kissing your partner, your mind is somewhere else? Maybe you are thinking about your to-do list. Like anything in life, kissing your loved one deserves your full attention. Let’s face it kissing is enjoyable. Next time you notice your mind wandering during kissing, become aware of your breath. Simply breathe in and out until your mind forgets the to-do list and settles into the enjoyment of kissing your partner.
Thank you. We are so fulfilled and send deepest gratitude to friends and family near and far who supported us on our very special first book signing event. There was such warmth sent our way all day long as we signed books, visited with people and answered questions. Thanks to Revelations Cafe in Fairfield, Iowa for the cookies, coffee, tea and hospitality.