Have your mornings lost their passion and connection? Do you find yourself rushing out of bed and out the door having barely spoken to your partner? Or are you so exhausted from your day that you fall asleep before hugging, kissing or connecting with your partner? We and many couples we talk to have lives that are so busy and hectic, that they barely stop, to look at each other and connect.
One day I went to our bookshelf and there was the “The Tao of Sexology” by Dr. Stephen T. Chang. I was reminded about the Morning and Evening Prayer. It’s a way to connect in busy times. Lewis and I like it for that very reason. We don’t do it every day and sometimes a week or two will go by but we are happy when we do take the time for this practice.
In a nutshell, a couple lays together naked for about 5 minutes with lips locked. The man does penetrate the woman and you breathe together. There is an energetic flow that feels good. This technique is simple, intimate and best of all can be tailored to your time frame.
The fairy tale trap is when you expect your ideal partner to magically appear without any effort on your part. And then you believe that you both will live happily ever after. A person in this trap is saying—“if I am meant to meet someone, they will just appear.”
What We See In Our Practice
Although we were not caught in this trap, we encounter people caught in this dating trap in our coaching practice. Frequently it shows up couched in New Age terminology such as “everything is in divine order.” Even people who believe that everything is in divine order take action to improve their life, such as exercising, eating properly and improving their educational skills. We are not advocating stressing out or straining, we are merely recommending taking steps in the direction of your desire to change yoiur dating destiny and have love.
How To Get Out Of The Fairy Tale Trap
Take personal responsibility for what you want in your life and relationship. Become proactive instead of sitting back in La La Land. Think about what steps you can take to increase your chances of meeting someone–and then take those steps. Change some of your habits to mix things up a bit. For example, go to a different coffee shop at a different time. This piece of advice will definitely get you out of the Fairy Tale trap—your thoughts lead to action, action leads to achievement and achievement leads to fulfillment and happier dating.
The scarcity trap is when you believe that there is a limited supply of possible partners. You act on that belief by thinking you have to take what you can get or be alone. In other words, you SETTLE for less. And let’s face it–expect less and you get less.
What Was It Like For Diane
I live in Fairfield, Iowa-a small town of 10,000 in the heartland of America. When I did start to date many years after my divorce, I realized that I was not finding a match. I started to worry and think that maybe I should not be so fussy. The next man I dated was “cute and nice” but his vision for the future was so different from mine it was ridiculous. Don’t be so fussy I told myself. I decided to make the best of what this man did offer and spent 6-8 months of my time with him, knowing I would eventually not be fulfilled in this relationship. It wasn’t his fault–it was mine–I settled. Eventually I was “in the way” of the direction his life was moving and he broke up with me. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch!
How Diane Got Out Of The Scarcity Trap
I was mortified and mad at myself for settling. I took a long hard look at why I let this happen. I read books, worked with a coach and attended workshops. This allowed me to become real clear about my purpose, my vision and what I valued in my ideal relationship. I made up my mind and found a support system to ensure that I held to my commitment not to settle, even in this small Midwest town. It worked-I met the love of my life-Lewis.
To stay out of the Scarcity Trap say NO to what you don’t want so you are ready and available for the YES. There is a person for you and you are worthy!
Excited to tell you that our response to a question asked by a 58 year old women was published in the monthly Relationship Coaching Institute newsletter. As you scroll down to find our response certainly read the response of other RCI coaches.
Ask Our Coaches:
A Tale of Two Men: How do I choose?
“I’ve met two men that I really like …. How do I choose ?”
This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we’ll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
I’ve met two men that I really like and both meet my requirements. I don’t fight with either of them, however I like different things about each one. I wish I could just combine them into one man! I’m 58 years old so I can’t be too picky either. One is 8 years younger than me and the other is 8 years older. How do I choose? Which traits are more important for a happy marriage? What’s your advice?
Jackie responds …
Conscious Dating is not limited to those under a certain age. The principles of Conscious Dating apply to everyone who is committed to asking and answering 3 questions: Who are you? What do you want? How can you get what you really want in life and love?
I invite you to seriously challenge your (faulty) belief that at 58 you are too old to be picky. After all, whatever you believe is true, is! It sounds like either one of these men would be a fine companion. But does either one touch your heart in that v-e-r-y deep place? Or curl your hair or knock your socks off? What if it is possible that neither one of these fine men is your ideal match!
If for a moment you decide to be “picky,” would you choose one of them to be your partner for life for the rest of your life, or would you decide to keep dating until you met the man who really did match all of your requirements? Please consider hiring a professional relationship coach to help you create your Conscious Dating Plan so you can choose the right man once and for all!
You are in a strong position to choose consciously for your love life, dating two men, both of whom meet your requirements. However, you wish you could combine them into one man, indicating something’s lacking somewhere.
You think you aren’t entitled to have what you want and “can’t be too picky at 58.” Write down all your relationship and partner requirements — your list of absolute must haves for the relationship to work.
Ask yourself “If I spent the rest of my life with this person, is there anything I would want to change about him?” Picture yourself with him in five, ten, twenty years. Pay close attention to your intuition and the feelings that surface for you. You may discover some truths that you’re currently unable to see. Write down your insights and compare them for each person.
The person you choose to spend your life with must be a good match for you, so don’t settle for less. Be clear about what you want for your relationship, choose someone who shares the same values as you and take your time to get to know people. There is no rush when it comes to choosing a life partner.
You have 2 great guys to choose from and think you can’t be picky? If they aren’t asking you to make a commitment, there is no reason for you not to take more time and simply enjoy both of them while you decide. That combination guy might just show up!
If you’re ready to commit, both fit all your requirements and you like them equally, try this:
Spend one whole day imagining or pretending that you made the decision to commit to one of them. Spend the entire day assuming that you whole heartedly chose one of them and notice how you think and feel having made that decision. On a different day, imagine that you whole heartedly chose the other one. Again, notice how you think and feel having made the decision with no wavering. Repeat this process until you’re clear.
Consider what kind of “we” you will be forming with each of them. Who will most readily fit with your life vision? This will be the most important thing you’ll need to keep your relationship healthy and alive going forward.
Congratulations Sherrie on meeting two potential soulmates. If you feel that both men meet your requirements then there may be a good possibility that your requirements are too vague. Take your requirements and define out each detail until they are broken down to the smallest element.
Remember dating is a staging. Dating may be chemically and biologically enhanced. Everyone is in character and on their best behavior. Although both candidates appear to meet your requirements, on a day-to-day basis when you share living quarters, finances, domestic responsibilities, and extended families that may change the dynamics of your relationship altogether. So put these men through the litmus test.
Follow their actions and not their words. Words are merely intentions of what or who a person wants to be or intends to be. Actions define their character. Which man aligns more with your values, principles, priorities, morals, and ethics?
Also, a good relationship barometer is how responsive is each man to each one of your physical, emotional, and relational needs when it’s not convenient for him? How responsive is each one when there is absolutely no benefit for him? And, lastly which one shares a vision with you for the future?
Being 58 years old doesn’t relieve you of your responsibility to choose the best mate possible; we would not call it “picky”. This person could be your loved one for the next 30 years!
We suggest that you re-visit your requirements, including life vision, life purpose, values and needs. Make sure you aren’t overlooking something. How long have you tested the requirements with each man? Have you consulted the dating red flag checklist for insights into each of these men?
The only difference between the two men that you mentioned was age. Age and sexual energy can be a significant factor. How is your sexual energy and how does that match the energy of the two men, bearing in mind that the older may wane faster. There is a 16 year difference to consider here.
The older man may have health issues sooner or could pass on sooner than the younger man. Does that matter to you?
What else is in their environment that they would each bring to the relationship? Do either of them have children or parents that might consume their energy, time or money? Are they both still working or is one retired and the other working?
You have no idea how often we hear this. We’ve concluded that we’ve fallen short in explaining the purpose of our Self-Discovery and Ready course. So here we go.
Dating, like most activities in life, can be improved with education. Our Self-Discovery and Readiness course and its unique approach is ideal PREPARATION for dating. Actually the perfect time for our course is when you are NOT dating. Then when you feel the urge to start dating, you will be confident, know what you want and how to get it. Doesn’t it make sense to take swimming lessons before you jump in the pool? We’d much rather be your swimming instructors than your life guard/rescuer.
Join our 8 Week Conscious Dating® Self Discovery and Readiness Teleseminar and Discover:
Why “dating” doesn’t work
Being single is an opportunity, not a disease!
How to boost your self-confidence and self-esteem
Solid tools and strategies to “Be the Chooser”
What you can do when single to prepare for the life and relationship you want
How to use Conscious Dating principles and strategies to finally find the love of your life and the life that you love
The Conscious Dating Self Discovery and Readiness Program is an innovative approach to helping singles achieve this most important relationship goal. With all the self- help books for singles, dating “gurus,” and advice from well-meaning friends, dating and finding a partner should be easy. The truth is, and you probably agree, based on your own experience, most singles have a hard time finding lasting love. You need clear, proven strategies and steps to ensure your success. That’s what the Conscious Dating 8 week teleseminar will provide.
Knowing who we are and what we want in a relationship is the first step on the path to intimacy. And learning to love and accept ourselves is an essential part of that. Only when we’ve made a loving connection with ourselves can we extend our love and acceptance to the people we are in relationship with.
Throughout the ages, in all parts of the world, people of all religions and walks of life have gone within to find peace of mind and solace in the face of life’s troubles and challenges. In the wild ups and downs of life, meditation and prayer is our anchor.
What is your anchor? Do you use it? Do you need to find an anchor?
This is a brand new era and your attitudes, expectations and actions can redefine how aging is perceived. You have an opportunity to set the bar. While Boomers can fall into any of the fourteen dating traps described in Conscious Dating, here are some that we have found to be most common to this age group-
Scarcity Trap- Thinking all the ‘good’ men or women have been taken,
are dead, or want younger partners
Packaging Trap- Thinking that an aging body is unattractive and being
uncomfortable or afraid of becoming sexually intimate with a partner
because your packaging isn’t ‘perfect’
Fairytale Trap- You desire a partner but inertia and the status quo seem
easier than being proactive in a search for a mate. You might think “if it’s
meant to be it will happen.”
Conscious Dating is a registered trademark of the Relationship Coaching Institute.