Tag: Better Relationship

Communication Tips -Assumptions-(Beware)

I teach Physical Education at a private school in the mornings.  I was teaching and playing kickball outside with my 9 and 10 year old students.

As we were walking back  to the school building Mary walked up next to me and told me that Jane was mad at her.  “How do you know that?” I  asked. ”She looks kind of mad or something,” answered Mary.

“Gee,”  I said to myself.  I do this and I certainly see the same happening to my clients: making assumptions. I suggested that she find Jane and ask  her if there was anything wrong. She did and a few minutes later Mary came running back to me to tell me that Jane was sad because her mom was out of town. Jane asked Mary if she could play after school!

Here is the powerful point. Ask before making assumptions to avoid misinterpretations and self projections.

Madly In Love Forever » For Singles 2012-09-10 16:23:36

THE EXCITEMENT IS BUILDING!

 

Four weeks from today, I will be leaving the peace and quiet of Fairfield, IA (population 10,000), to give six workshops in six days.  I am looking to connect with three groups of people: men, women and couples (did I leave anyone out?). 

One of the workshops is geared exclusively for men, The Power of Presence and Choice.   Let’s face it men, we are the weaker sex and I want to help us check up to the women on this planet.

  • Syracuse, NY on Tuesday, October 9, 7:30pm, CNY Healing Arts Wellness Center and Spa. 191 Intrepid Lane, Syracuse, NY 13205
  • Albany, NY on Wednesday, October 10, 7:30pm, Albany area location TBA
  • Bozrah, Connecticut on Saturday, October 13, 1pm, The Centerspace Wellness Studio 46 Lebanon Road, Bozrah, CT 06334

The second workshop is for men and women, Responsible Speaking, Effective Listening for Deeper Relationships.   In my humble opinion, everyone can benefit from clearer communication.

  • Syracuse, NY on Monday, October 8, 7:30pm, CNY Healing Arts Wellness Center and Spa. 191 Intrepid Lane, Syracuse, NY 13205
  • Albany, NY on Thursday, October 11, 7:30pm, Unity Church. 21 King Avenue, Albany, NY 12206

Finally, my week on the road culminates with a workshop for committed couples, Rituals for Intimacy.  Even couples who are Madly In Love Forever will discover a few tricks for nurturing their precious connection.

  • Bozrah, Connecticut on Saturday, October 13, 8pm, The Centerspace Wellness Studio 46 Lebanon Road, Bozrah, CT 06334

I am looking forward to making new friends and re-uniting with old friends.  Although I will only be visiting three cities on this trip, I do plan to visit all fifty states of this great country by the end of 2013.

If you are live near these cities and want to invite me to speak at your group, please call me at 800-639-4505.

Do you want to know about other events near you? Then join this blog list, if you are not already on it.

 

All the best,

Lewis Denbaum

Relationship Success Expert/Author/Educator/Motivational Speaker

1848 Prairie Rose Circle

Fairfield, IA 52556

800-639-4505

www. MadlyInLoveForever.com

www.MadlyInLoveForeverForSingles.com

www.Facebook.com/MadlyInLoveForeverSingles

 

Love Right Here And Right Now

Lewis and I are on our way home from  Baltimore and the Washington DC areas after attending a joyous wedding of our good friends’ daughter.

The day before the wedding we visited three places that were on our “bucket list” -the Vietnam Memorial, the World War II Memorial and the Holocaust Museum.

Phew, there are no words, only sadness and the thought how horrible people can be to each other at times.  As I walked away from these three sites I felt a deep stirring and remembering in my soul. The only thing I can do is to love and be kind to each and every person I meet. 

 As we searched for our car on Pennsylvania Avenue,  I held Lewis’ hand and  thought, “ I get to practice being loving and kind right here and right now with Lewis.”

Something besides a text…..

I am sitting here in our living room and in walks my 25 year old daughter. “What should I blog about?” I ask her. She finishes drinking her water and here is what she says.

“Talk about the importance of appreciation. I know so many girls that would rather find a napkin with a love note or a flower rather than receive a text message.  I know one thing-I and many of my friends love when someone wants to spend quality time with us. It’s so valuable-way more valuable than money could ever be.”

This made me think that maybe the new generation is missing some of what we in the older generation grew up with. So leave a note, a flower, take time for a walk…something other than a text.  I’m so glad I asked my daughter what to blog about!

The Value Of Vows

I, a Catholic, will be celebrating my sixth Passover with my husband Lewis.  Lewis’ tradition for celebrating Passover is kind of like the Christmas season condensed into one week. The entire kitchen– pots, pans and dishes– changes; the refrigerator gets emptied out completely to make way for the special Passover foods; there’s tons of baking and cooking.  Lewis happily prepares for the Passover seder and the eight days of Passover at our home are joyful, loving and heartwarming.

When we were dating Lewis invited me to a Passover seder and told me all that he did to prepare for it. He shared his love for this holy tradition and said that he would do it this way forever and it was important that his partner agree to do this with him.

When it came time for the “I do” we both made a vow to honor each other’s religious traditions and join in as much as possible.

So I have a secret to share. Our schedules this year are busier than ever. There is a part of me that wanted to suggest that we simply join in with the synagogue festivities and not do the Passover seder at our home.

Why didn’t I make this suggestion? Because when I said yes to marrying Lewis, I made a vow. I knew what Passover would look like.   

So I made the shift in my mindset.  I asked myself, “What did I need so I could be as happy as usual about honoring my vow to Lewis?”  I needed help with the spring cleanup that is part of the holiday preparations.  I enlisted the help of my daughter and nephew for those chores.  Now I am excited above the Passover holiday and can be fully supportive for Lewis. While sitting at the Passover seder this year, joyously celebrating with family and friends, I will feel a deep sense of contentment, knowing that I honored my vow.

Third Principle of Conscious Dating

The third of the ten principles of Conscious Dating is:  Be The Chooser

This means that one can take the initiative and responsibility for the outcomes while you are dating. You no longer have to react to what, or who, chooses you.  Seek to create what you want in your life by taking control and becoming empowered. Be the Chooser!

We go into this concept in much greater detail in our teleseminars and classes. You can sign up for our next free introductory teleseminar “Conscious Dating in Today’s World” by clicking on this link: http://www.madlyinloveforeverforsingles.com/conscious-dating-teleseminar./

Wishing you many many Madly In Love Forever moments !!

Say “I Love You” in Your Partner’s Love Language

HeartsLearn to Speak Your Partner’s
Love Language For Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day from Madly In Love Forever! It’s that time of year when we want to communicate our love to our partner. Traditional Valentine’s Day gifts include chocolates, flowers and lingerie. Seems simple and yet, not all spouses feel loved by these gifts.

Why? As humans we give and receive love differently. Keeping this love alive in marriage takes awareness and the desire to do something about it. Marriages dry up when we don’t know how our spouses receive love.

Author and marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman, proposes five love languages and states that “people speak different love languages.” In linguistics, there are major language groups such as Spanish, German and Japanese. If we want to communicate in Spain, we learn Spanish. It’s the same in love. If we want to communicate love effectively, we must be willing to learn our partner’s primary love language.

No matter how hard you try to express yourself, if your partner’s love language is different from yours, then you will never understand how to communicate love to your partner until you learn his or her love language. Dr. Chapman has found that many partners do not speak the same love language. That’s why many couples wonder — “What happens to the love after the wedding?”

Which love language is your partner primary love language? See if you can identify his or her love language from Dr Chapman’s five love languages.

Words of Affirmation

 

1. Language: Words of Affirmation

How to Tell: The person speaking this love language beams when they hear verbal compliments, words of appreciation, encouraging words and kind words.

How to Speak: Give loves notes, cards, quotes, poems and compliments. Hide a note with words of appreciation under their pillow.

 

Physical Touch2. Language: Physical Touch

How to Tell: – The person speaking this love language feels love through touch. They yearn for their spouses to reach out and touch them physically.

How to Speak: Stroke their back, massage their body, hold their hand, kiss, embrace or have sexual intercourse.

Quality Time

 

3. Language: Quality Time

How to Tell: The person speaking this love language feels love when they have your undivided attention.

How to Speak: Be fully present with your partner by turning off the TV, computer and cell phone. Engage in activities such as eating, biking, walking, dancing or just lying in bed talking.

 

Acts of Service4. Language: Acts of Service

How to Tell: The person speaking this love language feels loved when something is done for them with generosity.

How to Speak: Vacuum the rug, hang a bird feeder, clean the car, cook a meal or paint a room. You can simply ask “Can I do anything for you?”

Gifts

 

 

5. Language: Gifts

How to Tell: The person speaking this love language feels the powerful message of love when they receive a gift.

How to Speak: Provide this person with a gift that demonstrates that you put careful thought into the selection of the gift. The price of the gift is insignificant! What is very important is that you are giving them what they want, not what you want.

Dr. Chapman understands that the love languages can overlap and yet insists that there is a predominant love language for every human being. To discover yours, ask yourself, “Which one can’t I live without?”

To assist you further in this inquiry, Dr. Chapman suggests you ask yourself the following three questions:

  • How do I show love to others? This may indicate how you want to be loved.
  • What do I complain about, or feel hurt about? The opposite of this may be my love language.
  • What do I request most often? Chances are this makes you feel loved.

Heart with WingsWhen you choose to speak your partner’s primary love language and there’s nothing but love in the air, your relationship can soar to new heights!

We appreciate Dr. Chapman for teaching us about the five love languages. In our book, Madly In Love Forever, we share more teachings and wisdom that have served us to love more, in greater detail.

Our final advice for Valentine’s Day: Figure out what Love Language your partner speaks and give him or her a present that speaks to his or her Love Language. It could be your best Valentine’s Day ever.

Relationship Goal-Setting: It Isn’t Sexy, But It Works

It’s January and if you are like us, you are busy thinking about your New Year’s resolutions and 2011 goals.  When you think of goal setting, it’s not a sexy topic. At first blush, you might not think about goals and your relationship at the same time. However, unless you give attention to your relationship, it will stay the same. We just love that quote defining insanity:

 “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.”

So ask yourself: Has your relationship been “stuck?” Are you going insane? Maybe it’s time for you and your partner to start creating some relationship goals.

For example, if you are dating casually, you may have a goal to advance the relationship to exclusivity.  If you are in an exclusive relationship, you may have a goal to get engaged, get married or move in together.  If you are happily married, you may have a goal to build an extraordinary relationship. If you are unhappily married, you may have a goal of reviving your relationship.

Individual Goals  vs.  Joint Goals

We will make this very simple. There are two categories of relationship goals:

(1) Individual goals about the relationship, and

(2) Joint goals about the relationship. 

Here is an example of each.  “I want to become a better listener” is an individual goal.  “We will add more play and fun to our relationship by making an extra date night on Wednesdays” is a joint goal.  Here’s the difference: with the joint relationship goals, both partners must agree to them and participate in them.

Our Goals Setting Process

Our process every year is simple.

1. On our own, we revise our own individual goals for the new year.  These individual goals include personal goals and individual relationship goals. These do not need to be agreed upon, and sharing is optional.

2. Next, we individually write some ideas for joint relationship goals.

3. We share our joint relationship goals with each other and begin the process of crafting mutually agreeable joint goals.  When we both come up with a similar goal, it’s easy to meld our individual versions into a common goal.  When they don’t meld, we discuss them. Some become joint goals, and some get pitched.

For example, Lewis’ proposed goal of a scuba diving vacation got nixed when he discovered Diane is not a fan of the underwater world.  However, Diane’s proposal for working together on a flower garden was happily adopted by Lewis.  We never try to coerce each other into adopting a joint goal that we are not both excited about.

Things Not To Forget

We make our goals comprehensive, covering all aspects of our relationship: home, family, work, leisure and finances.  We ask two questions that help us create our joint goals: (1) What do we value in our relationship, and (2) What do we want to improve in our relationship?

We write down our goals. Why? The kinetic energy of hand writing goals seems to helps with the manifestation process.  Our goals, whether joint or individual, become clearer and easier to understand when written. Most importantly, we can refer back to our written goals to see how we are doing. This helps us stay committed.

Think Big, Plan Small

We think BIG about our goals so that they excite us.  For example, a set of financial goals might include: be debt-free, obtain a vacation home and retire at age 62.  However, once we agree on the big goal, we plan the small steps necessary to achieve those goals.  These small action steps are things we can achieve in the current year. We love feeling successful and we always celebrate our little wins.  We make sure our celebrations are ridiculously fun!

Benefits Of Goal Setting

First benefit: We connect to each other as we dream about our future together. 

Second benefit: We discover where our dreams are not in alignment and decide how to deal with that without judging or arguing

Third benefit: We create action steps that will ensure our success as a couple.

In our office, we took the advice of the wise and created a vision bulletin board.

“Hold an image of the life you want, and that image will become fact”.  Dr. Vincent Norman Peale

The Fun of Sharing Our Individual Goals With Each Other

 Although our individual goals don’t necessarily have anything to do with our relationship, we choose share these with each other.  This helps us understand what is important to each other.  Intimacy is instantly created. Furthermore, we find ways to help and support each other accomplish our goals.  For example, Lewis has a goal to walk 20 minutes each day and Diane has a goal to do two Toastmaster speeches a month. We support each other by scheduling daily walks together during which Diane practices her speeches.  

Using a Coach

When you have a coach, you do what you say you’re going to do.  Why? Because you know that your coach is going to ask you if you followed through. We like to call it “healthy pressure.’

Throughout history, kings, presidents, rulers, athletes and actors have used coaches. Today, coaches are used in many areas of life, including relationships.

There is no lack of information about coaching. Suffice it to say that we have used a fabulous coach and now offer relationship coaching to others.

S.M.A.R.T. Goals

Here it is–an oldie but goodie–like business goals, relationship goals should be S.M.A.R.T.: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely.  The more your goals embody these five characteristics, the more likely you will achieve them.     

Speaking of  Goals

“There’s no telling what you can do when you get inspired by them. There’s no telling what you can do when you believe in them. And there’s no telling what will happen when you act upon them.”  Jim Rohn

“Diner” Movie Clip-Romantic Relationships

We found this clip from the movie Diner and wonder how it would be to coach this couple! After watching this clip,  let us know what it brings up for you about your past or current relationship.  Looking forward to hearing from you.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXjCtgiUEu8