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Dating Advice–How To Avoid The Scarcity Trap–(Date Happily)


 What Is It

The scarcity trap is when you believe that there is a limited supply of possible partners. You act on that belief by thinking you have to take what you can get or be alone.  In other words, you SETTLE for less. And let’s face it–expect less and you get less.

What Was It Like For Diane

I live in Fairfield, Iowa-a small town of 10,000 in the heartland of America. When I did start to date many years after my divorce, I realized that I was not finding a match. I started to worry and think that maybe I should not be so fussy.  The next man I dated was “cute and nice” but his vision for the future was so different from mine it was ridiculous. Don’t be so fussy I told myself.  I decided to make the best of what this man did offer and spent 6-8 months of my time with him, knowing I would eventually not be fulfilled in this relationship. It wasn’t his fault–it was mine–I settled. Eventually I was “in the way” of the direction his life was moving and he broke up with me. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch!

How Diane Got Out Of The Scarcity Trap

I was mortified and mad at myself for settling.  I took a long hard look at why I let this happen.  I read books, worked with a coach and attended workshops. This allowed me to become real clear about my purpose, my vision and what I valued in my ideal relationship.  I made up my mind and found a support system to ensure that I held to my commitment not to settle, even in this small Midwest town.  It worked-I met the love of my life-Lewis.

To stay out of the Scarcity Trap say NO to what you don’t want so you are ready and available for the YES.  There is a person for you and you are worthy!


Diane and Lewis




Dating and Car Doors-A Dating Question-(your answer?)

Last week Lewis and I pull up to a Casey’s after a wonderful dating presentation in Des Moines.  ” Wow, when I do that for woman my age they look at me funny. It’s a lost art!” said a man who looked to be about 32.

Do what you may be asking.  Lewis had come around from his side and was opening the car door for me.  Is is a lost art?

Change Your Dating Destiny-Avoid the Packaging Trap (Now)

Dating-Avoid 14 Traps-Change Destiny

Change Dating Destiny


What Is It

The packaging dating trap is one that men and women both easily fall into. In this trap it’s all about the outer.  A man might only date a woman with a pretty face or shapely body. A woman might date men who drive fancy cars, have money or who have amazing abs and muscles.

People in this dating trap look at the outer packaging of their prospective dates–judging the book by its cover.  Another aspect when caught in this trap, is that people believe that their self-worth and self- image will increase if they date someone who has a great package. But as the movie Shallow Hal points out, love is deeper than the outer appearance.

What Was It Like For Lewis

When I was younger, I did not feel good about my body. So I felt that if I dated a woman with an incredible body, people would think better of me. Like many of my contemporaries in high school and college, I dreamed about dating a number “10” woman (by society’s standards).

One time I did make a choice to date one woman over another woman because of her appearance. As I continued to date this woman, I realized that we really didn’t have that much in common and didn’t share the same values and visions. I had to admit to myself that I was attracted to the package, not to what was inside.  This does not work.

How Lewis Got Out Of The Trap

Dating Couple
Change Dating Destiny

After my second marriage ended, I had an experience that forever freed me from the packaging trap.  At this point in my life, I was about 50 years old.  I was driving my car in our little town of Fairfield, Iowa when spotted a woman who seemed  80 to 85 years old riding her bicycle. Her face was completely wrinkled. I was amazed to see a woman of this age on a bicycle.

It dawned on me : if I get into a relationship now and that relationship last 25 years, my wife might end up being wrinkle-faced too. In that moment I realized that the packaging of a person is not the only criterion to use when dating.

What I really wanted at this point in my life was a deep love connection. I am lucky.  I have the deep love connection and I love how my wife looks.

Our advice to all of you out in the dating world is to look beyond the package, look deep into the whole person to ascertain whether this is someone you can love for the rest of your life. While chemistry is important in a relationship, chemistry is based on more just the package.


Your Dating Destiny Transformed-Avoid 14 Dating Traps-Date Consciously (Now)

Are  you wanting to make more conscious relationship choices so you can find the happiness you deserve?

Great!  Take the first step in dating consciously by becoming aware of the 14 Dating Traps. How? Stay Tuned for the next couple of weeks to this blog. Each blog post will describe one of the traps. You will receive suggestions for staying out of these nasty dating traps.

We welcome all questions and comments as the weeks go by.

You can transform your dating destiny. The step to dating consciously begins with an  awareness of the 14 Dating Traps. Learn them Now!

Diane and Lewis







Four weeks from today, I will be leaving the peace and quiet of Fairfield, IA (population 10,000), to give six workshops in six days.  I am looking to connect with three groups of people: men, women and couples (did I leave anyone out?).

One of the workshops is geared exclusively for men, The Power of Presence and Choice.   Let’s face it men, we are the weaker sex and I want to help us check up to the women on this planet.

  • Syracuse, NY on Tuesday, October 9, 7:30pm, CNY Healing      Arts Wellness Center and Spa. 191 Intrepid Lane, Syracuse, NY 13205
  • Albany, NY on Wednesday, October 10, 7:30pm, Albany      area location TBA
  • Bozrah, Connecticut on Saturday, October 13, 1pm, The      Centerspace Wellness Studio 46 Lebanon Road, Bozrah, CT 06334

The second workshop is for men and women, Responsible Speaking, Effective Listening for Deeper Relationships.   In my humble opinion, everyone can benefit from clearer communication.

  • Syracuse, NY on Monday, October 8, 7:30pm, CNY Healing      Arts Wellness Center and Spa. 191 Intrepid Lane, Syracuse, NY 13205
  • Albany, NY on Thursday, October 11, 7:30pm, Unity      Church. 21 King Avenue, Albany, NY 12206

Finally, my week on the road culminates with a workshop for committed couples, Rituals for Intimacy.  Even couples who are Madly In Love Forever will discover a few tricks for nurturing their precious connection.

  • Bozrah, Connecticut on Saturday, October 13, 8pm, The Centerspace Wellness Studio 46 Lebanon Road, Bozrah, CT 06334

I am looking forward to making new friends and re-uniting with old friends.  Although I will only be visiting three cities on this trip, I do plan to visit all fifty states of this great country by the end of 2013.

If you are live near these cities and want to invite me to speak at your group, please call me at 800-639-4505.

Do you want to know about other events near you? Then join this blog list, if you are not already on it.


All the best,

Lewis Denbaum

Relationship Success Expert/Author/Educator/Motivational Speaker

PO Box 189

Fairfield, IA 52556




Sometimes You Just Have To Eat Cooked Food

I know this is a relationship blog! And with that said here goes.  One of our associates is a “raw foodist.” I do wonder how people can live on only raw food but that’s another story. One day he told us that he does “cheat” now and again. He gives in to cooked Indian food now and again. I can’t blame him!

Last night I could not, for the life of me, practice what I suggest to my coaching clients: see everything as an opportunity. What do I mean? I sat with Lewis and just spewed out a big list of things that “I am not happy about, or are not fair, or are hard to do.” I was on a roll!!

Suddenly I thought of Bill and his occassional cooked meal. That’s what I did last night-I had a cooked meal. My cooked meal was “a complaining smorgesboard”

Today I’m back on raw food. In other words back on track: seeing everything as an opportunity.  Life is good, it is what it is, I am grateful and moving forward. Matter of fact in about a half hour I’m off for a swim!

Bill tells me it feels good to eat cooked food now and again. In the same way it  feels so good to flow with the “off days” and then get back on the living and loving life train to the best of my ability.

Hope you get my drift!!