Author: admin

Dating After Divorce For Men: Find Your Perfect Match

couple_in_white_0

Once you’ve dated around, it’s time to focus on finding an amazing partner.

After the trials and tribulations of divorce, it is best to recreationally date for a while; to just have fun. I call this Step One of the Dating Two-Step. When your life is back on track, and you have mastered recreationally dating, you can switch to long term committed dating, which I call Step Two of the Dating Two-Step. At step two, you are looking for the love of your life. You will have certain criteria (more about this later) that must be met by the woman you’re dating. Follow the five tips below to navigate your way across the dance floor with your Two-Step to find the dance partner of your dreams.

1. Are You Ready to be Authentic?

Long-term committed dating requires being authentic, and that takes self-confidence and high self-esteem. It means being vulnerable. Open up and honestly show your date who you are. If she likes the real you, great! If she doesn’t like the real you, then move on. Isn’t it better to find this out early on, rather than spending time and money in an ill-fated dating relationship? The longer you spend dating the wrong woman, the longer it will take you to find the right woman.

There is so much to be gained by being authentic and so much to lose by not being so. This is a great skill to develop. You can practice with a men’s group or with a men’s relationship coach. I can assure you that if you are authentic, your dating experience will be ten times better than if you are not. I can also guarantee you that if you are inauthentic, you will get yourself in trouble, sooner or later.

2. Are You Clear About Your Requirements and Wants?

Long-term committed dating demands that you are clear on your “requirements” and “wants.” Requirements are elements that you must have in your relationship. They cannot be compromised; they are your deal-breakers. For many people, honesty and monogamy are non-negotiable requirements. Wants are things that are important to you for your relationship, but are not absolutes; there is some wriggle room. For example, maybe you want a non-smoker. Your date is a smoker. When you look underneath your desire for a non-smoker, you discover that the smell of smoke bothers you, and you want to stay healthy. Your date is willing to work with you. She states that she will only smoke outside and will freshen up before reuniting with you. That might work for you.

Examine your past relationships over the last 30 years. Make a list of all of the things that you liked about them. Put the qualities and traits that you cannot live without on your requirements list. Next, look at the qualities of past relationships you didn’t like or were negative. I suggest you turn these negative qualities into a positive spin and create additional requirements. For example, “can’t be addicted” should be turned into “addiction free.”

Now you have a complete list of requirements or deal-breakers. When you are in a long-term committed dating relationship, once you ascertain that a woman does not have one of the items on your requirement list, you must stop dating her. You cannot have a happy, successful relationship when one of your must-haves is missing.

Examine you “wants,” or the items that are important to you but are not absolute deal breakers. Create a second list called “Wants.” Having your requirements and wants lists will help you sort through the women you meet in long-term committed dating. Remember, you cannot compromise on a deal breaker or requirement, but wants are more flexible.

3. Are You Clear About Your Sexual Desires?

There’s a good chance that during your estrangement from your ex-wife and during the divorce you were not having sex. If you had a long dry spell, you might be anxious to have sex again. First of all, now that you’re over 50 realize that things are not the same as when you were 20. Syphilis and gonorrhea have been joined by 18 to 23 other sexually transmitted infections/diseases (STI/STD’s) and the number of people infected and are carriers has dramatically increased over the last three decades.

Be prepared to protect yourself. You may want to get a blood test to have proof that you are not infected. It is common for men going back into the dating world after a long dry spell to feel uneasy; concerns about rejection and sexual performance abound. Be easy on yourself. Once you start long-term committed dating, it is best to make sure you are with the right woman before getting involved sexually. Good sex, especially after a long dry spell, will make you think you’re with the right woman… even if you aren’t. Make sure you discuss the role of sex in a relationship with your potential partner to see if your opinions about it line up. Balance your heart with your mind. Know what you are looking for in addition to great sex, and don’t settle unless you have both.

Dating After Divorce Advice For Men: You Can Get Back In The Game

mature_date
When your divorce decree comes through, the idea of dating is daunting. But don’t let that stop you!

Your divorce is a major life event. Depending on your circumstances, when that final divorce decree comes through, you may have many different emotions. You may be thrilled that the long process is over and you’re finally free to move on. You may also be sad that your dream to live happily ever after with your ex didn’t pan out. You may be angry for a number of reasons. Maybe the divorce process didn’t go your way or perhaps you are angry with yourself for letting a good relationship go south; maybe you are still angry at your ex for cheating on you. You may even be afraid of your new life alone and the prospect of asking women out (and you thought you were done with that when you got married!). Finally, you may be ashamed that you are now a divorced man.

Below are tips to navigate the post-divorce turbulent waters. You can find confidence and new love.

1. How Ready Are You?

The biggest mistake that men make after divorce is jumping into the dating scene too quickly. This is a time for you to get in touch with your feelings; admittedly something we men generally don’t do well. This is a time to heal and regroup, to look within to heal your battle wounds from the divorce. The worst thing you can do is quickly get into a rebound relationship. From a practical viewpoint, women want to have fun with you. But if all you can talk about is how angry you are at your ex or how sad you are that your relationship is over, you won’t be fun to be around. Most importantly, you don’t want to make the same mistakes from your marriage in your next relationship.

Find support for your healing process. Join a men’s group, go to therapy or talk to friends who are willing to lend an ear. Just make sure you give yourself the time to get in touch with and resolve your anger, grief, and shame. It is typical to feel like the anger or sadness have subsided, and then to have them resurface again. Don’t worry! Although you feel like you have slipped backwards, you really have made progress.

Finally, this is the time for forgiveness. While a door has closed, a new one has opened. Work with a coach, counselor or clergyman on accepting what has happened and moving on. To do this, you must forgive yourself for whatever you feel you did wrong or could have done better. You will also be better off if you can forgive your ex. This doesn’t condone her actions; rather it acknowledges that she is human and could have done better or done something different. Forgiveness is not about who was right or wrong, it’s about you finding a space of healing and peace of mind. These are all great traits to bring into your next relationship.

2. Is Your Life Purpose And Life Vision Clear?

We men often need a purpose greater than a relationship to keep us happily moving forward. Since your divorce has upset the apple cart, this is an ideal time to think about your life purpose and your life vision. On the one hand, you may not be able to make major logistical changes since you may have alimony and child support to pay, along with partial custody of your children.

On the other hand, you are back on your own. You made be able to make small, tangible changes in your life. Get in touch with what you really want to do and how you want to live your life. Your life purpose is what really makes you get out of bed in the morning. Your life vision is what you want to have around you, and being confident in that is attractive to other people.

While you may not be able to make major life changes at this point in your life, you can still start moving in that direction. For example, you might start working on a new business plan or gain skills need in your new business or career. These small steps will invigorate you. You’ll be excited about building that dream, and, as such, will be have exciting things to talk about with your new dates.

3. Have You Learned From Your Past Relationship Mistakes?

After my divorce, the last thing I wanted was to repeat my mistakes again in my next relationship. In any failed relationship, both people are responsible for its demise. It is very easy to blame the other person and attribute the failure to her and her actions. If, however, you do not look at yourself and your behavior and what part they played in the failure of the relationship, you are doomed to repeat those mistakes in your next relationship.

You must be brutally honest with yourself. Ask yourself “What did I do wrong, and where can I improve?” Are there skills that you need to develop or hone? For example, I recognized that I needed to learn to (1) listen better, (2) apologize when wrong and (3) validate my spouse’s feelings. These are three great places to start.

Examine all of your key relationships (including family) for the past 20 or 30 years to determine what patterns show up. Since you are the common element in all those relationships, you are likely to garner some enlightening information about yourself. (I know it is hard to believe, but some of the things your ex said about you could have been true). Be proactive: ask your family and friends to provide you with feedback about your behavior in relationships. It’s difficult to look at ourselves and admit that we made mistakes or can improve in certain aspects of our life, but as President Garfield said: “The truth shall set you free but first it makes you miserable.”

One Tip for Intimacy (In Today’s Busy World)

Have your mornings lost their passion and connection? Do you find yourself rushing out of bed and out the door having barely spoken to your partner? Or are you so exhausted from your day that you fall asleep before hugging, kissing or connecting with your partner? We and many couples we talk to have lives that are so busy and hectic, that they barely stop, to look at each other and connect.

One day I went to our bookshelf and there was the “The Tao of Sexology” by Dr. Stephen T. Chang. I was reminded about the Morning and Evening Prayer. It’s a way to connect in busy times. Lewis and I like it for that very reason. We don’t do it every day and sometimes a week or two will go by but we are happy when we do take the time for this practice.

In a nutshell, a couple lays together naked for about 5 minutes with lips locked. The man does penetrate the woman and you breathe together. There is an energetic flow that feels good. This technique is simple, intimate and best of all can be tailored to your time frame.

Good Luck !

Relationships And Divorce ( sad stuff )

Today two friends of mine posted a precious picture of them with their new granddaughter. Many years ago they divorced and to see them together with this bundle of joy made me feel sad and happy and think–darn- why do people have to divorce.

So to those of you not married yet-I say PLEASE think about what you are doing before you take this monumental step. Make sure you understand and know your requirements, needs, your values and that you have some vision for your future and that the person you are with is in alignment with that.

I think the people on this planet would be happier if there were less divorces.   Blessings to all.

 

Communication Tips -Assumptions-(Beware)

I teach Physical Education at a private school in the mornings.  I was teaching and playing kickball outside with my 9 and 10 year old students.

As we were walking back  to the school building Mary walked up next to me and told me that Jane was mad at her.  “How do you know that?” I  asked. ”She looks kind of mad or something,” answered Mary.

“Gee,”  I said to myself.  I do this and I certainly see the same happening to my clients: making assumptions. I suggested that she find Jane and ask  her if there was anything wrong. She did and a few minutes later Mary came running back to me to tell me that Jane was sad because her mom was out of town. Jane asked Mary if she could play after school!

Here is the powerful point. Ask before making assumptions to avoid misinterpretations and self projections.

Change Your Dating Destiny-Avoid the Packaging Trap (Now)

Dating-Avoid 14 Traps-Change Destiny

Change Dating Destiny

DATING TRAP # 1 – THE PACKAGING TRAP

What Is It

The packaging dating trap is one that men and women both easily fall into. In this trap it’s all about the outer.  A man might only date a woman with a pretty face or shapely body. A woman might date men who drive fancy cars, have money or who have amazing abs and muscles.

People in this dating trap look at the outer packaging of their prospective dates–judging the book by its cover.  Another aspect when caught in this trap, is that people believe that their self-worth and self- image will increase if they date someone who has a great package. But as the movie Shallow Hal points out, love is deeper than the outer appearance.

What Was It Like For Lewis

When I was younger, I did not feel good about my body. So I felt that if I dated a woman with an incredible body, people would think better of me. Like many of my contemporaries in high school and college, I dreamed about dating a number “10” woman (by society’s standards).

One time I did make a choice to date one woman over another woman because of her appearance. As I continued to date this woman, I realized that we really didn’t have that much in common and didn’t share the same values and visions. I had to admit to myself that I was attracted to the package, not to what was inside.  This does not work.

How Lewis Got Out Of The Trap

Dating Couple
Change Dating Destiny

After my second marriage ended, I had an experience that forever freed me from the packaging trap.  At this point in my life, I was about 50 years old.  I was driving my car in our little town of Fairfield, Iowa when spotted a woman who seemed  80 to 85 years old riding her bicycle. Her face was completely wrinkled. I was amazed to see a woman of this age on a bicycle.

It dawned on me : if I get into a relationship now and that relationship last 25 years, my wife might end up being wrinkle-faced too. In that moment I realized that the packaging of a person is not the only criterion to use when dating.

What I really wanted at this point in my life was a deep love connection. I am lucky.  I have the deep love connection and I love how my wife looks.

Our advice to all of you out in the dating world is to look beyond the package, look deep into the whole person to ascertain whether this is someone you can love for the rest of your life. While chemistry is important in a relationship, chemistry is based on more just the package.

 

Your Dating Destiny Transformed-Avoid 14 Dating Traps-Date Consciously (Now)

Are  you wanting to make more conscious relationship choices so you can find the happiness you deserve?

Great!  Take the first step in dating consciously by becoming aware of the 14 Dating Traps. How? Stay Tuned for the next couple of weeks to this blog. Each blog post will describe one of the traps. You will receive suggestions for staying out of these nasty dating traps.

We welcome all questions and comments as the weeks go by.

You can transform your dating destiny. The step to dating consciously begins with an  awareness of the 14 Dating Traps. Learn them Now!

Warmly,
Diane and Lewis

 

 

 

 

THE EXCITEMENT IS BUILDING!

 

Four weeks from today, I will be leaving the peace and quiet of Fairfield, IA (population 10,000), to give six workshops in six days.  I am looking to connect with three groups of people: men, women and couples (did I leave anyone out?).

One of the workshops is geared exclusively for men, The Power of Presence and Choice.   Let’s face it men, we are the weaker sex and I want to help us check up to the women on this planet.

  • Syracuse, NY on Tuesday, October 9, 7:30pm, CNY Healing      Arts Wellness Center and Spa. 191 Intrepid Lane, Syracuse, NY 13205
  • Albany, NY on Wednesday, October 10, 7:30pm, Albany      area location TBA
  • Bozrah, Connecticut on Saturday, October 13, 1pm, The      Centerspace Wellness Studio 46 Lebanon Road, Bozrah, CT 06334

The second workshop is for men and women, Responsible Speaking, Effective Listening for Deeper Relationships.   In my humble opinion, everyone can benefit from clearer communication.

  • Syracuse, NY on Monday, October 8, 7:30pm, CNY Healing      Arts Wellness Center and Spa. 191 Intrepid Lane, Syracuse, NY 13205
  • Albany, NY on Thursday, October 11, 7:30pm, Unity      Church. 21 King Avenue, Albany, NY 12206

Finally, my week on the road culminates with a workshop for committed couples, Rituals for Intimacy.  Even couples who are Madly In Love Forever will discover a few tricks for nurturing their precious connection.

  • Bozrah, Connecticut on Saturday, October 13, 8pm, The Centerspace Wellness Studio 46 Lebanon Road, Bozrah, CT 06334

I am looking forward to making new friends and re-uniting with old friends.  Although I will only be visiting three cities on this trip, I do plan to visit all fifty states of this great country by the end of 2013.

If you are live near these cities and want to invite me to speak at your group, please call me at 800-639-4505.

Do you want to know about other events near you? Then join this blog list, if you are not already on it.

 

All the best,

Lewis Denbaum

Relationship Success Expert/Author/Educator/Motivational Speaker

PO Box 189

Fairfield, IA 52556

800-639-4505

www. MadlyInLoveForever.com

www.MadlyInLoveForeverForSingles.com

www.Facebook.com/MadlyInLoveForeverSingles

 

Tale of Two Men-Dating Question and Answers

Excited to tell you that our response to a question asked by a 58 year old women was published in the monthly Relationship Coaching Institute newsletter.  As  you scroll down to find our response certainly read the response of other RCI coaches.

Ask Our Coaches:

Which Man Should I Choose?

A Tale of Two Men: How do I choose?

“I’ve met two men that I really like …. How do I choose ?”

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we’ll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.


Dear Coaches,

I’ve met two men that I really like and both meet my requirements. I don’t fight with either of them, however I like different things about each one. I wish I could just combine them into one man! I’m 58 years old so I can’t be too picky either. One is 8 years younger than me and the other is 8 years older. How do I choose? Which traits are more important for a happy marriage? What’s your advice?

Sherrie


Jackie responds …

Conscious Dating is not limited to those under a certain age. The principles of Conscious Dating apply to everyone who is committed to asking and answering 3 questions: Who are you? What do you want? How can you get what you really want in life and love?

I invite you to seriously challenge your (faulty) belief that at 58 you are too old to be picky. After all, whatever you believe is true, is! It sounds like either one of these men would be a fine companion. But does either one touch your heart in that v-e-r-y deep place? Or curl your hair or knock your socks off? What if it is possible that neither one of these fine men is your ideal match!

If for a moment you decide to be “picky,” would you choose one of them to be your partner for life for the rest of your life, or would you decide to keep dating until you met the man who really did match all of your requirements? Please consider hiring a professional relationship coach to help you create your Conscious Dating Plan so you can choose the right man once and for all!

Dr. Jackie Black | www.DrJackieBlack.com


Maeve responds …

You are in a strong position to choose consciously for your love life, dating two men, both of whom meet your requirements. However, you wish you could combine them into one man, indicating something’s lacking somewhere.

You think you aren’t entitled to have what you want and “can’t be too picky at 58.” Write down all your relationship and partner requirements — your list of absolute must haves for the relationship to work.

Ask yourself “If I spent the rest of my life with this person, is there anything I would want to change about him?” Picture yourself with him in five, ten, twenty years. Pay close attention to your intuition and the feelings that surface for you. You may discover some truths that you’re currently unable to see. Write down your insights and compare them for each person.

The person you choose to spend your life with must be a good match for you, so don’t settle for less. Be clear about what you want for your relationship, choose someone who shares the same values as you and take your time to get to know people. There is no rush when it comes to choosing a life partner.

Maeve Crawford | www.becomingyourownsoulmate.com | 0800 270 7559


Nina responds …

You have 2 great guys to choose from and think you can’t be picky? If they aren’t asking you to make a commitment, there is no reason for you not to take more time and simply enjoy both of them while you decide. That combination guy might just show up!

If you’re ready to commit, both fit all your requirements and you like them equally, try this:

Spend one whole day imagining or pretending that you made the decision to commit to one of them. Spend the entire day assuming that you whole heartedly chose one of them and notice how you think and feel having made that decision. On a different day, imagine that you whole heartedly chose the other one. Again, notice how you think and feel having made the decision with no wavering. Repeat this process until you’re clear.

Consider what kind of “we” you will be forming with each of them. Who will most readily fit with your life vision? This will be the most important thing you’ll need to keep your relationship healthy and alive going forward.

Nina Potter | www.ninapotter.relationshipcoach.org | 1.651.773.0732


Denise responds …

Congratulations Sherrie on meeting two potential soulmates. If you feel that both men meet your requirements then there may be a good possibility that your requirements are too vague. Take your requirements and define out each detail until they are broken down to the smallest element.

Remember dating is a staging. Dating may be chemically and biologically enhanced. Everyone is in character and on their best behavior. Although both candidates appear to meet your requirements, on a day-to-day basis when you share living quarters, finances, domestic responsibilities, and extended families that may change the dynamics of your relationship altogether. So put these men through the litmus test.

Follow their actions and not their words. Words are merely intentions of what or who a person wants to be or intends to be. Actions define their character. Which man aligns more with your values, principles, priorities, morals, and ethics?

Also, a good relationship barometer is how responsive is each man to each one of your physical, emotional, and relational needs when it’s not convenient for him? How responsive is each one when there is absolutely no benefit for him? And, lastly which one shares a vision with you for the future?

Denise Wade Ph.D. | www.sweetharmony.net | 1.215.913.7997


Diane and Lewis respond …

Being 58 years old doesn’t relieve you of your responsibility to choose the best mate possible; we would not call it “picky”. This person could be your loved one for the next 30 years!

We suggest that you re-visit your requirements, including life vision, life purpose, values and needs. Make sure you aren’t overlooking something. How long have you tested the requirements with each man? Have you consulted the dating red flag checklist for insights into each of these men?

The only difference between the two men that you mentioned was age. Age and sexual energy can be a significant factor. How is your sexual energy and how does that match the energy of the two men, bearing in mind that the older may wane faster. There is a 16 year difference to consider here.
The older man may have health issues sooner or could pass on sooner than the younger man. Does that matter to you?

What else is in their environment that they would each bring to the relationship? Do either of them have children or parents that might consume their energy, time or money? Are they both still working or is one retired and the other working?

Diane and Lewis Denbaum | www.DatingWithIntention.com | 1.800.639.4505

 

” I’m Not Dating, So Why Should I Take a Conscious Dating® Course?”

 

Dating?

You have no idea how often we hear this.  We’ve concluded that we’ve fallen short in explaining the purpose of our Self-Discovery and Ready course.  So here we go.

Dating, like most activities in life, can be improved with education. Our Self-Discovery and Readiness course and its unique approach is ideal PREPARATION for dating.  Actually the perfect time for our course is when you are NOT dating.  Then when you feel the urge to start dating, you will be confident, know what you want and how to get it.  Doesn’t it make sense to take swimming lessons before you jump in the pool?  We’d much rather be your swimming instructors than your life guard/rescuer.